funny jokes

A bit of Q and A

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A. They're right! We do taste like chicken!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Megasorass

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One..Men will screw anything.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other
is used to carry groceries.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
 
And some more:

Q. What do women and prawns have in common?
A. There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night"

Q. What have women and condoms got in common?
A. If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q. What is the definition of disgusting?
A. Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up.

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead
 
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa Claus?
A. They both leave kids rooms with empty sacks
 
Jimmy Carr:

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No. I think you're fattest."

A dog is for life not just for Christmas, so be careful at the next office Christmas party.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers, an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"

I used to get mistaken a lot for Alan Carr, so what i did was i stopped sucking men off.

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.

I grew up in Slough in the 1970's, if you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970's, go there now.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I went up to the airport information desk. I said how many airports are there in the world?

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

If you tell a girl you like her but she says "I love you more like a brother", suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

I think bungee jumping is suicide for indecisive people.

I've got a friend; she's got a theory. She reckons that the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on their earlobes for hours on end. I think its bollocks.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

John Merrick: The elephant man, was teased and tormented all throughout his life. People used to go up to him and say 'You are the most ugliest man alive'. He didn't mind however - he was extremely thick skinned.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

My grandfather told me, "Your problem is that you think that your generation invented sex." I said, “Well, did you ever fuck grandma up her arse, pull out and come on her tits?” Turns out that's how she died.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

My girlfriend's reading a book called "Women who love too much" which I think should have the title shortened, to "Sluts".

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I
supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

Sting is always boasting about his eight-hour tantric sex sessions with his wife, Trudie Styler. Imagine how long he could keep it up if she was a looker.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but you also don't die.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

Watching sex on tely with your parents - that's embarrassing. I didn't even know they knew how to use the camcorder.

When people say they hear voices in their heads, as opposed to where, exactly? Now hearing voices in your legs, that's proper mental.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
 
What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
Getting the cheese to taste like fish

And how do you know when you're at a gay BBQ?
The sausages taste like shit
 
Patrick Swayze said he has no plans to star in a remake of Dirty Dancing, but he says he could do Ghost in 5 or 6 weeks.
 
jumberto said:
Patrick Swayze said he has no plans to star in a remake of Dirty Dancing, but he says he could do Ghost in 5 or 6 weeks.
Click to expand...

Hahahaha pure gold!!!:LOL:

Love the Jimmy Carr ones by the way, he's hilarious, the biggest reason I watch 8 out of 10 cats.
 
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Apparently the McCann's want Elisabeth Fritzl stripped of her World Hide-and-seek Champion medal because she had help from her dad.
 
Two old women sitting in a cafe. Margaret says to Ethel, "Did you come on the bus?"

Ethel replies, "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack".
 
Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew
them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are
getting married in September and we would like it in the garden
before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and
the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old
age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much
for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would
like a third so please send someone round to do something about
it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top
of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times
but I still have no Satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and
we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus growing in it.

23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house
and I just cant take it anymore.

24. ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to
swallow
 
Some of them are hard to believe, but brilliant nonetheless. My particular favourite is the magical impregnating garden path. :thumbup:
 
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