funny jokes

Liverpool sign a striker from Kosovo. On his debut, he scores 3 and sets up 2 in a fantastic performance. As he comes off the field, the crowd are chanting his name and Benitez runs onto the pitch to greet him.
"That was the best performance I've ever seen. You just earned yourself a very nice contract increase."
"That's great. I must tell my mother."
"Here, borrow my phone," said Benitez.

"Mum, I've got some great news..."
"Wait a minute son - I have some bad news. Your father is dead. He went to get some food for us and he was shot by a thief."
"Oh shit! ... but I've got some good news!"
"There's more son... Your sister got gang raped and beaten up and she's in hospital."
"That's terrible... but I've got some good news!"
"Hold on son... The neighbours tried to burn our house and I think they ate our dog too... and it's all your fault."
"Why is it my fault?"

"We didn't want to move to Liverpool with you"
 
Heres an old classic.

Why does Paddington Bear wear a yellow hat?
cuz he's a f*ckin' cunt!
 
scouse_mum_sig.jpg
 
once upon a time there was a man who had a wish. He wanted to write texts that would wake emotions in other people. He wanted them to cry or laugh.

He has achieved this, he is working in Microsoft writing error texts. :D
 
A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all queuing at the pearly gates, and St. Peter asks the first, "Maria - have you ever had contact with a male organ?"

She giggled and replied shyly, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter said, "OK - then you must dip the tip of that finger into the Holy Water as you pass through the gates."

Peter then asked the next girl the same question, and she replied, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

"OK," said St. Peter, "Then you must immerse that whole hand into the holy water and pass through the gates."

Suddenly, there is a lot of commotion in the queue, and a girl pushes her way to the front.

Peter says, "Lisa - what's the rush??"

Replies Lisa, "Well if I've got to gargle with that water, I'm doing it before Jessica gets her arse in it."
 
Dick Cheney is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, five Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq
today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries
his
face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible, but I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and asks, "Dick, how many is a brazilian?"
 
Saddam Hussein Joke Alert!

I've got a few Saddam t-shirts going cheap, they are a bit tight around the neck but they hang well.
 
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NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD...

15. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

14. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

13. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

12. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

11. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

10. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
 
Italian man: when I finish makinga love toa my woman, I go a down and gently tickle da backa of her knees, she a floats 6 inches above da bed in ecstasy

French man: zat is nuthing, wen I finish wiv ze girl, i kiss her all down 'er body and zen lick the soles of 'er feet, she floats 2 feet above ze bed in ecstasy

British man: when I'm finished riding the bird, I get out of bed and wipe my wonker in the curtains, she hits the roof!
 
I got pulled over by the police on the motorway the other day. He seemed annoyed at the way I was diving along straddling two lanes at 90mph.

Then I showed him my licence and where it says please tear along dotted line. . . . . . . . . .
 
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman working on a building site. It's lunch time.
Englishman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. If it's the same tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building.
Irishman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. If it's the same tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building too.
Scotsman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. If it's the same tomorrow, I'll follow you both.

The next day. Lunchtime.
Englishman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. He then gets up and jumps off to his death.
Irishman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. He also gets up and jumps to his death.
Scotsman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. He follows the other two and jumps to his death.

The next day the three wives are sitting together crying.
Englishwoman: It's terrible. All he had to do was ask me to make something different.
Scotswoman: It's unbelievable. I would have changed them if he'd just asked.
Irishwoman: I can't understand it. He made his own sandwiches.
 
marukomu said:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman working on a building site. It's lunch time.
Englishman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. If it's the same tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building.
Irishman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. If it's the same tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building too.
Scotsman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. If it's the same tomorrow, I'll follow you both.

The next day. Lunchtime.
Englishman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. He then gets up and jumps off to his death.
Irishman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. He also gets up and jumps to his death.
Scotsman: Fuckin 'ell... Cheese sandwiches again. He follows the other two and jumps to his death.

The next day the three wives are sitting together crying.
Englishwoman: It's terrible. All he had to do was ask me to make something different.
Scotswoman: It's unbelievable. I would have changed them if he'd just asked.
Irishwoman: I can't understand it. He made his own sandwiches.
Click to expand...
You fluffed up the joke - first two have got Scotsman and Irishman the wrong way 'round :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
What's the difference between the Suffolk Strangler and Mr Kipling?

Mr Kipling puts six tarts in a box. :oops:
 
Those last two were a bit below the belt. Could not help but chuckle at jay's though.
 
Whats the differance between a box of dead children and a mercedes?

I havent got a mercedes in my garage.
 
My wife walked into the bedroom last night and she was kneeding her breasts like dough.
I said, "What are you doing that for?"
She said, "I read in a magazine that if you rub them this way, they'll grow bigger."
I replied, "Well why don't you try it with toilet roll... it worked on your arse!"
 
Two rats in a sewer, one turns to the other and says "you know what I'm fucking fed up of shit...... we have shit for breakfast, shit for dinner, shit for tea... I'm fed up of shit". The other rat says "Don't worry, we're going on the piss tonight!"
 
A woman that loves boxing goes to a tattoo parlour. She says to the man.
"I love boxing and I want my two favourite boxers, Ali and Tyson, tattooed on my thighs."
He says okay and asks her to lift her skirt and take her knickers off. He then spends four hours tattooing the faces of Ali and Tyson on her upper thighs.
After he's finished, he asks her to look at them.
"What do you think?" he says.
"They're terrible. They look nothing like them. I'm not paying for this."
He then says, "If I ask a stranger if he recognizes them, and he does, will you pay?"
She says okay, she will.
He walks outside and grabs the first man that passes by and asks him to come in the shop.
"Do you recognize those two people?", he said.
The man looks a little confused and scratches his head.
"I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle is definitely Don King."
 
That same woman went to the parlour a few weeks later and asked for a tattoo of her husbands name on her ass cheeks.
"whats his name?" asked the artist.
"Billy Banks" she said.
"£200" he said.
She say's "i only have £50"
He say's "for £50 i can an initial on each cheek"
The woman agree's and then sets off home to show him, she gets home pulls down her pants and bends over right in front of him and he say's "who the fuckin hell is BoB?"
 
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