Jesus' Joke Thread

ClassicD

ClassicD

Galáctico
11 November 2001
Glasgow
Celtic
It's the return of the joke thread, and as a tribute to 'Richie' who hosted the last thread we shall choose another talisman - Jesus, Jesus Quintana. Let's get this show on the road:

jesus.JPG


Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back
down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends
went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job
or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a
strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must
be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove
that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we
hope you fall down the stairs."
 
quality. couldn't agree more so mate

hit the hammer on the head on this one

-fb
 
oh you know, hammer nail, you use the hammer to hit the nail...

thats a major typo ;)

-fb
 
Your mother is so old she even owes Jesus a dollar. I know its a shit one!!
 
Your teeth are so yellow the sun got jealous.
Its crap but...
 
This is a disgrace. It should have been called Ritchies jokes thread, better yet they could have resurrected the old thread.
 
A Posh Hotel holds 3 weddings on the same day and at the end of the night,
the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of Beers.

One questions the other two, "listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... DO IT ???

Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first nights marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us"

"No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order
with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it", offers another groom.

They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit disheveled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables.

The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".
The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast"

The waitress gets to the last groom. "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath, "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit, whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor schlong must be.

"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress, "Why, that's an awful lot"
"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is."

She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again... "And by the way love, can you make two of those Brown?"
 
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
When the doctor asked him how he was feeling, the old guy said,
"I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began,
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was going hunting, he was in a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly..."
 
:lol: LOL..............CW, I need to hand it to you, thought the 1st one was awful, but that 2nd one more than made up for it.


My First Time
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went
in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman
behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear
one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over
her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I
apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around
the store. It was empty. She said," "Just a minute." And
walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned
her blouse and removed it . She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so
dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was
slipping it on, she dropped her skirt! , removed her panties
and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We
don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately,
I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few
minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did."
And held up my thumb to show her.

FD
 
At the 2004 World Women's conference, the first speaker from Canada, stood up

"At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband I would no longer cook for him, and that he would have to do it himself. Afer the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".

The crowd stood up, applauded and cheered.

The second speaker, from France, stood up

"After last years conference I went straight home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that not only had he done his own, but my washing as well".

Once again the audience rose to their feet, applauded and cheered.

The third speaker, from Scotland stood up

"After last year's conference ah went hame and tolt ma man that I widnae doo his cookin, cleanin or shoppin, and he wid hiftae doo it himsell. After the first day I saw nothin, after the second day I saw nothin, but after the third day, I could see a wee bit oota ma left eye"
 
Liked the beaver one Chris, tho I posted your second one on another forum and the first reply I got was "Wife Beating, funny as fuck eh?". :shock: Here's another:


At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzos." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."
 
:lol: hehe........nice one CD.


Actually about the wife-beater one, not tactfully done. It's ancient, however best bet is to go with this version:-

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


FD
 
Aye I guess that's more tactful, tho you'd think people would realise it's not meant to be taken that way. PMSL at this next one I found:


Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes" the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".
 
An oldie but still a goldie:

Mary and Jim are tucked up in bed late one night when they hear a bang at the door. Mary turns to Jim and says 'Who could that be at this time of night?'

'F$£k knows!' says Jim as he slips into his slippers and makes his way downstairs.

So he opens the door and is greeted by a young man
'Sorry to bother you so late sir' he says

'I was just wondering if you could give me a push?'

'A PUSH?!' Jim exclaims. 'It's f*^king three o'clock in the morning and you chap my door looking for a push?!?!'
and at that Jim slams the door, turns and makes his way back upstairs.
On returning to bed Mary asks who it was.
'Ach, some a*^ehole looking for a push.' Three in the morning as well! Can ye believe it!?'

Mary repiles softly, 'Jim, remember that night we were stranded in the middle of nowhere and that kind farmer helped you start the car?' Who knows what might've happened to us last night if that man hadn't helped. We may have freezed to death!'
So Jim, resigned to defeat, slumps out of bed, gets back into his nightgown and slippers and makes his way back downstairs
He opens the front door and can't see the young man so calls on him
'Mate! Mate!' Where are ye?!'
To which the young man replies...

















Wait for it







































'OVER HERE BESIDE THE SWINGS'
 
A Carrick Love Story

A seventeen year-old Carrick girl goes to see her mum and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother
goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows
that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the dirty pig that did this to you? I want to know now!!" The girl says I cannot tell but after 2 hours interrogation picks up the phone and makes call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I will take responsibility.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a £1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a £1,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and GBP500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:





"You'll ride her again!!!"
 
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put 50 Euro in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 Euro on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."


--------------------


A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
 
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:lol: hehe.......very good.


An Irishmans daughter had not been home to the house for over

five years.



Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write to us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you've put your Mother through??!!"



The girl, crying, replied;



"Dad, I became a prostitute..."



"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a

disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!!"



"OK Dad, as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur

coat, title deeds to a ten bedroomed mansion, a savings account

certificate for £5,000,000. For my brother, this gold Rolex and,for you

Daddy, the brand spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertable thats

parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club and.....

(takes a breath).... an invitation for you all to spend New Years Eve

on board my new yacht on the Riviera and.."



"Hang on a minute" said father "What was it you said you'd become?"



Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! Sniff"



"Faith and begorrah! - you scared me half to death girl!! I thought

you said 'a protestant'. Come here and give you're old man a hug".



FD
 
Nice! :mryellow:

--------------------------------

Wayne Rooney goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, whenever I look in the mirror, I feel sexually aroused?

The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised, you look like a cunt"
 
A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the vehicle that knocked her down comes to her help. ‘Are you all right, love?’ he asks. ‘You’re just a blur,’ she says. ‘So my sight is clearly affected.’ Very concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight. ‘How many fingers have I got up?’ he asks her. ‘Oh shit!’ she replies. ‘I must be paralysed from the waist down as well.’
 
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
 
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